It's springtime, so there are lots of birds outside that I want to chase.
Instead I'm hanging out on the floor, rolling around in these wonderful cloth catnip bars that the female human bought for me at her favorite place called Target. Oh, I love them! I chase them around the house, I bat at them, and sometimes I just lay on top of them and absorb all the cat-nippy goodness inside. The other cats act strange around catnip. Polly just wants to roll her head in it. Blossom licks her belly. And Lewis Hamilton, one of the kittens, gets all affectionate and tries to sit on everyone. Me, I'm just chill. You know, watching some movie with Seth Rogan and playing some video games and eating a lot of dry food. Nothing bothers me when I have a catnip bar handy. Man, life is good today! Springtime and catnip and open windows with nice breezes. What more can you ask for?
It was photoshopped, I swear it. I never would willingly lay down on a fluffy unmade bed with at least two or three other kittens, taking a nap while there's snow outside. There's no way I would do that. Somebody took this picture and then added me in. I'd sue, but I'm only a cat, and despite the success of Bee Movie, where the bee sues humans, Jerry Seinfeld lives in a different world than the rest of us, so I'm not holding my breath that my meow-recognition software would hold up in drafting a legal brief.
Did anybody catch the Puppy Bowl on the Animal Planet channel on Superbowl Sunday? My humans did something they call "tivo" to it. I don't know what that means exactly, but somehow we watched it. Those puppies sure were kinda dumb. But then the Kitty Halftime Show just really ticked me off. Mostly because it was giving ideas to the kittens who live in the house with me, and suddenly they got all playful and wanted to sniff me. Just because I've stopped hissing at them every minute of the day, they seem to think I want to be friends, and show up looking all eager for a bath. Harumph. Like I'm gonna give those mountain kittens a bath. I'm French, for pete's sake! I don't do baths unless they are scented with Chanel.
My humans are still snowed in, which means that they're getting all antsy and want to play with me, too. My female human had the nerve to pick me up today, hold me like a baby, and scratch my tummy. I mean, the nerve. I'm the oldest cat in this household, and have the most seniority. I should not be treated like an infant. There really is no end to the indignity that I suffer in this house. And now this stupid picture surfaces of what appears to be me cuddling with cats. I will never live this down.
The one bright spot is that the human has planted fresh catnip, which means in a few days I'll have all I can hold of my drug of choice. Mmmmm. Catnip. I can hardly wait.
So the humans found out the other day that Polyphony, the new little black cat, is pregnant. They found out when it was too late to spay her, so we're gonna get kittens in about a week or so.
They sequestered her in her Pregnancy Room (the back bedroom and bathroom) because she was getting totally hormonal. The other day she chased all of us into separate corners and growled at us when we tried to go past her. Seriously, she's too much. I guess it's hard for her because she's so young. She's only 6 months old. Still a baby. She really has no clue what's going on, and I'm sure it's upsetting to her.
She still shouldn't take it out on me, though.
The humans have contacted the humane league, who will help out with getting them adopted out, because lord knows, if there were going to be kittens in the house forever, I'd howl.
The little black cat's Sister also came into the house recently. So now the roster includes:
1. Me 2. Tulip 3. Blossom 4. Polyphony 5. Polyphony's sister (she's still nameless - they just call her Sister)
And there will be kittens soon.
But I think that they will adopt Polyphony out after the kittens go, because Sister is really nice and has been fitting in well, but Polyphony is just a b*tch. We'll see how she is after she gives birth, though. She's pretty cute.
I refuse to eat with everyone these days. When the female human gets the food ready for us all, she puts all the bowls down, and I just hover at the doorway, watching and staying out of the fray. Then she brings me my food into the office, and I eat there, in privacy.
Here's a video of Polyphony's belly, if you're interested. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated. It's such a stressful time, but Tulip has been teaching me kitty-yoga and we've been chilling out on a new catnip play mat that the female got at a place she practically lives at called Target (I thought maybe it was a church or something, since she goes so often, but then I heard her say that she gives way more than a tithe to Target, so it must be something different).
...or, for those of you who haven't mastered the mother tongue as I have (seeing as how I'm French, and all), I mean, these awful, ridiculous insulting outfits that make me feel terrible!
What on earth was my female human thinking today???
She told me that the outfits at Petco were just so darned cute and Christmas-ey.
I wasn't amused.
At least she gave me some catnip as a reward. La vie même dans une maison avec ces humains est supportable avec le cataire. (I can stand living with the humans when I get catnip).
Here is some video of me in my outfit, too. The worst part of it is that she got me an XS, which fit me fine until I hit my childbearing years. I'm going to have to cut back on the hairball treats. These fur handles are just too much. I'm going to see whether the female human will play with me more, to burn off some calories. The male human just wants to cuddle all the time.
Here I am, looking dreamy and distant in my gray fur (so trendy for fall), perfect for chilly nights in the Bay Area. Lots of kitty models relax with catnip. It really chills you out. You just need to be careful to not indulge in the tuna canapes too much.
They are tearing apart furniture and piling up boxes. I've seen this before. It spells trouble. It means new scents that I don't know, and new territory that I need to mark. Such a hassle to deviate from my normal routine. It means that for at least a week I'll be rubbing myself against walls and windowsills when I could be happily napping or getting stoned on catnip.
They keep talking at me in their squeaky little voices about something called a house. I think they are toying with me.
At least the female one played with me for a while today. I got to bite her foot. She thought I was being cute and joking. If only she knew. I can play mind games too.
I am Wrigley the Cat. I am being held captive in an apartment in Los Angeles. It has a view of birds that I am unable to hunt. That sucks. I like wet food, but my humans mostly just give me dry food under the premise that my favorite food gives me hairballs. I think it's just another excuse to torture me. I like to sleep and lick myself, but mostly I am starting this blog to tell the world how awful my captivity is. I haven't had catnip for three days as of this writing. How am I supposed to survive in this environment?
It's springtime, so there are lots of birds outside that I want to chase.
