Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas

Here I am feeling festive in my green tshirt. Christmas is a tolerable time of year for me. True, there are more humans around than I'd like - the male human's parents have been here, though they worship me the way I should be worshipped, so it's ok. They get out of my chair when I want them to, and pet me with their feet.

And I got some Christmas treats, so that's nice. Anna Wintour still hasn't contacted me about being a cover kitty, but I am nurturing my dream anyway. Maybe in 2008. Everyone said I was gorgeous this weekend. I just hope word gets to New York soon, before I start getting wrinkles.

Monday, December 17, 2007

it's been a hard few days...

...my female human had something called "surgery" done last week. This has me terribly inconvenienced as she keeps forgetting to give me my hairball treats in the morning with my breakfast. The male human never feeds me, so he doesn't know what to do about it. Plus, she's wandering around the house moaning about how sore she is.

I had surgery once, but then they called it getting me "fixed". You didn't see me wandering around moaning about how sore I was. No sireeee. I was brave and gorgeous. I did try to eat my stitches, but at least I wasn't moaning.

Plus there have been more humans around. The female's parents have been here visiting. This house is too small for anyone but me, but especially not two more humans taking up my spots with their suitcases. The nerve of them.

And last night a family of raccoons was out on the deck. The papa one was at least five times my size. And the babies were twice as big as me. They were mocking me. The humans were all "ooooh" and "aren't they cute!" and everything like that when the raccoons came and looked through the glass doorway at them. So simple and easily amused, they are.

The raccoons were really teasing me for being inside while they were all bushy and furry and supposedly great outdoor hunters.

Whatever. They're just jealous. Because sometimes, when I'm feeling generous, I let my humans rub my belly. And I would never admit this, but there really isn't anything in the world as wonderful as getting your belly rubbed while you're in the middle of a nap, and you're all warm and dreaming of fish and birds, and you know there's a dish of wet food in the kitchen for when your full belly is empty again, and you can nuzzle your head into your humans' hand and let her love you for just a few minutes...

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

My new perch

Here I am looking dreamy and distant in my new perch in my new house. Almost the entire house has my scent around it now, which is comforting. And I can take some time to rest and stare out the window now that settling-in work is getting finished.

I'm trying to perfect my dreamy and distant pose because I live in constant hope that Anna Wintour will start a Kitty Vogue and I'd just love to be a cover cat. Especially now that I know I'm French, it has only confirmed my belief that I am cut out for a much grander life than the one I'm living now. I dream of crazy catnip parties, excellent wet food at all hours, and no humans trying to cuddle with me.

I have met one of the local-yokel cats who live in my new neighborhood. The Little Black Cat comes and hangs around on the deck outside. He sticks his little head right up to the glass front door, and the other day my female human didn't even realize he was here - she thought he was a reflection of me in the glass (goes to show she can't appreciate my beauty). So he and I jumped up and down a few times - I made my tail puffy to show him who he's messing with - and he did some stupid cat thing where he ran into the glass trying to get to me. Dumb*ss.

Why, oh why, couldn't the humans taken me to New York or somewhere that has the class and culture deserving of my presence? But no, they just keep thinking of more and more ways to degrade the wonder that is me.

Someday they'll learn.

Monday, November 26, 2007

What happens when you drink too much milk at the office party...

Oi vey. Too much festiveness, already this early in the season. Just you wait for New Years!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

What is it with humans and equipements insultants qui rendent me le sembler ridicule

...or, for those of you who haven't mastered the mother tongue as I have (seeing as how I'm French, and all), I mean, these awful, ridiculous insulting outfits that make me feel terrible!

What on earth was my female human thinking today???

She told me that the outfits at Petco were just so darned cute and Christmas-ey.

I wasn't amused.

At least she gave me some catnip as a reward. La vie même dans une maison avec ces humains est supportable avec le cataire. (I can stand living with the humans when I get catnip).

Here is some video of me in my outfit, too. The worst part of it is that she got me an XS, which fit me fine until I hit my childbearing years. I'm going to have to cut back on the hairball treats. These fur handles are just too much. I'm going to see whether the female human will play with me more, to burn off some calories. The male human just wants to cuddle all the time.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Worst Indignity

I have tried to block this from my memory, but it persists...n'importe comment beaucoup j'essayent. Oh, and I am learning French, to explore my lineage. And to make myself more regal. Plus les humains ne me comprendra pas quand je projette mon évasion. But that will just be our little secret.

I feel so sophisticated. It makes up for my horrible dry food. Ah, comment j'aimerais un mignon de filet!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Car trips home

We came home from San Francisco in the car, but fortunately I was able to sleep just about the whole time. When we got home, I had to go around and mark my scent everywhere again. So much work this week. Honestly. I spent the weekend recovering.

My humans sold a chair I liked right out from under me today. They say it's because they're moving, to this so-called house I keep hearing about. I still think it's just a way to torture me.

I also have an infection in my eye.

It's been a hard weekend.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Kitty Vogue

Here I am, looking dreamy and distant in my gray fur (so trendy for fall), perfect for chilly nights in the Bay Area.
Lots of kitty models relax with catnip. It really chills you out. You just need to be careful to not indulge in the tuna canapes too much.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

it's all about me

my humans finally realized what kind of cat I am (took them long enough).

I am a Chartreux. I have a long history and lineage in France, which the female one says explains why I am the way I am.


She has no sense of regal class, which I obviously do.

On brighter subjects, I am getting used to my hotel room. Nearly everything is marked with my scent now. I even graced the humans with my company in bed last night. It was chilly, I had no choice.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Nap time

My human took this video of me napping in my new hotel territory.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007


my humans have brought me to a place they call the Bay Area. The female one has to work here sometimes. They made me ride in the car all day and now i'm in a hotel. I'm rubbing myself up against all the walls so it will still be bearable tomorrow.

There's weird furniture here and it smells funny. There's a big bed, though. What I think I'll do is lay on it right in the middle and stretch out all the way so the humans will have to lay around me. It'll be fun to watch them try not to disturb me. I'll be looking all peaceful and cute and I'll be laughing all the way to the bank, as they say.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

The cat next door

There are lots of neighborhood cats where I am being held. Sometimes I look out the window at them and try to communicate with them about how I am held captive, and I ask them to bring help. One time my female human caught me planning with a gray cat through the window. She thought it was cute and further degraded me by telling the male human that I had a "boyfriend" and then tried to cuddle me.

One of these cats seems to be getting ready to invade. The one they call Calico has been sitting on the wall outside and looking through the window for the past three weeks. They go out and feed her, and she crawls all over them, purring and snuggling. Apparently she's cold and hungry outside, and is hoping that they'll bring her in, which they seem to be considering.

While part of me thinks it would be good to have a fellow captive around, to help plan my escape on the off-chance that they leave the door open when bringing in the groceries, I just don't think I can abide by this blatant disregard of my demands and needs. For better or for worse, this is my territory, and I can't have strange cats coming in and rubbing themselves all over it.

They brought her in for a few hours the other night, and she freaked out and they let her go back outside. Still, for an hour she was on my chair and my futon. I made my displeasure known by hissing and growling at her through the closed door.

So anyway, we'll have to see how this situation develops. I had hoped that they had already thought of all the ways to torment me. Apparently that hope was in vain.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

My Average Saturday

The humans seem to be playing mind games with me.

They are tearing apart furniture and piling up boxes. I've seen this before. It spells trouble. It means new scents that I don't know, and new territory that I need to mark. Such a hassle to deviate from my normal routine. It means that for at least a week I'll be rubbing myself against walls and windowsills when I could be happily napping or getting stoned on catnip.

They keep talking at me in their squeaky little voices about something called a house. I think they are toying with me.

At least the female one played with me for a while today. I got to bite her foot. She thought I was being cute and joking. If only she knew. I can play mind games too.

Why me?

I am Wrigley. At least I think I am. That's what my humans call me. I usually pretend I don't understand them, though. It keeps things easier that way.

I was left in a Big Lots parking lot in Nashville Tennessee when I was just a few weeks old. This was 3 years ago. My human found me (she says she was going to Big Lots to buy closet organizers, but I don't believe her - she can't organize her sock drawer let alone a whole closet) and it's been all downhill from there. I've had to come to Los Angeles, in a car. I go to San Francisco with her for something she calls "work" a lot, also in a car. She got this husband, and he's always trying to cuddle with me. Doesn't he understand that I am regal, and meant to be admired from afar?

I am starting this blog because I feel a need to share my experience in captivity. No creature as famous and refined as myself should be forced to eat dry food and sleep in a pink fuzzy bed thing they got at Target. Honestly. The nerve.

I will be documenting the insults that I receive. Hopefully my pain and suffering can help others.